Author- Well...it's on my journal.
Show- Doctor Who
Pairing- None really.
Genre- Angst... c'mon, it is me
Disclaimer- I sit and pass judgement on RTD and the BBC.
Summary- He asks where she wants to go.
A/N- As you can tell I've come down off my RB high.
I stand here and stare up at the stars with him, my hands tucked deep into the pockets of my warm fleece. I can hear him babbling to one side, his words swirling around me in the night air, the actual breaths making wisps of cold mist dance in front of us.
The puffs of air circle, climbing higher and higher, dancing on the wind until they join the clouds, his words becoming part of nature, past of the cycle of life.
The borealis here is spectacular and the lights play along the cherry coloured mountains, dusted with pink snow.
The triple suns set hour ago and took with them the warmth and all that’s left is a chill in the air and the pretty lights.
The Doctor thinks this will be a sight for me to always remember and he’s right.
Standing here on a planet millions of miles away from the Earth, staring up at the sky that’s as alien as any I’ve ever seen with its green and orange moons, it’s rings of purest silver, and the sulphuric deposits staining the skies all different colours, it’s a sight that will be remembered always.
He’s also brought me here to cheer me up, hoping that I’ll tell him what it is that’s bothering me.
He’s still talking, unable to keep silent for long and even though his words surround me, letting me know that he is there I’ve never felt so very lost and alone.
I’m far from all right and its starting to show, but I can’t do anything about it and I can’t even tell him why because he won’t understand, he’ll just ask me if I want to go home.
I want to tell him yes, but it’s not what I mean, not what I want.
In songs home is where you find peace and the people who love and adore you, people who’ll never let you down and who will love you unconditionally.
In cliché’s home is where the heart is, home is where you rest your hat, home is where the fire is.
So where’s mine?
Is it on Earth with Jackie?
I love my mother; she’s at home on Earth walking around in a pink tracksuit with bright eyes and a sparkling smile, wishing the best for me but worrying about life and chips and when to go to bed and who’s dating who and all the small things that make up life. Not my life, where the fate of planets and solar systems make up my day.
Where a single choice isn’t whether to go with highlights or a full dye job but whether to change the course of history. She talks on the phone and thinks about EastEnders and that’s her world, her home.
But Earth isn’t where I feel safe; it’s not for me anymore.
Is it on an alternate universe where a boy I’ve known forever is stuck, lost to me?
I love Mickey, but his love was always conditional; as long as I stayed close by him he was happy and content to just amble along waiting for something better. A better job, a better life, a better way to live. I spent years waiting with Mickey, hoping that someday someone would hand me that golden ticket and change my life for me. I never did anything to deserve it until that day I stood up and said no more and swung down to save the life of an alien who scared me. Challenged me. And I left Mickey waiting. Now I can never see him again in his world, his world where he’s done waiting. I’m proud of him but Mickey isn’t what made me happy.
He and his world wasn’t for me.
Is it in the past, in the arms of a man who hadn’t even known me and yet died for me?
I love my daddy, be he hero or loser, salesman or saviour. Mum twisted such tails of him, almost setting him up as the most amazing man in all creation. I was brought back to Earth with a bump when I met the wheeler-dealer Del boy who my mum seemed to hate at the same time as loving him to death. He was just a man, a typical average, everyday man but he lit up my world. He was my daddy and he saved the world, for me. As much of a let down as his initial appearance was, he was all that mum had said and more.
And yet, he had to die, had to leave me and couldn’t stay and his world wasn’t for me.
Is it on a space station thousands of years in the future, shot down by Dalek fire?
I love Jack, but the Doctor says he has work to do and I think he’s dead, I saw what the Daleks were capable of back in Utah and I know that if he’d been alive he would have come back to us. Jack always make his presence felt and made me feel alive with it. Whether it was hanging from a barrage balloon in the middle of a German air raid, dancing on top of an invisible ship or running from green monsters. Jack took my hand and made me remember what it was like to be human. to be a woman, to feel desired and loved.
He said he’d see me in hell and I guess he will. Death isn’t for me.
I want to find my own way back. Find my own slice of peace and I know where it is.
It isn’t Earth or Jackie, or Mickey or Jack or even dad.
It’s a green jumper, pulled to emphasize that it was different from black or navy.
It’s short cropped hair and eyes that manage to look haunted and yet dance at the same time, a ghostly dance of love and despair.
It’s a hand that reaches for mine and holds it so tight.
It’s wrapped in a brown leather jacket smelling of spices and time and earth and male.
It’s a smile that stretches from ear to ear.
It’s sarcasm and pain and love and trust and devotion and need and longing and … and …
It’s gone. It’s dead.
Exchanged for a bright grin and some sparkling wrapping.
The Doctor reaches for my hand and asks me where I want to go.
I want to go home.
But he died and I no longer have a home.